1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I
got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of:
"Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch,
you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a
southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor
pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major
part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die
yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means
being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii
or any place in Canada.* Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is
just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still
the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the
blues in any place that don't get rain.
* (Martin’s note: I think I could get the blues in a Winnipeg winter.
It’s sometimes said that there are no race problems in a Canadian
winter as everybody is blue.)

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A
woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz
you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an
alligator be chomping on it, is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or go
sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept
in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad
luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman
could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's
a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is
another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair,
substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis
match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and
Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lemons Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

Check out www.blueflamecafe.com for all the history on jazz greats.

Asked to define the Blues, Townes Van Zandt said, "It's half way between the yellows and the greens." One of my favorite song titles is, "Can Blue Men
Sing the Whites?"